How To Make Conspiracy Theory Rants.

Photo by Nsey Benajah on Unsplash

Brought to you by the people losing their minds.

A misattributed quote to Sun Tzu, the ancient Chinese military guru, says;

To defeat your enemy, you must know your enemy.

The correct quote is “To defeat your enemy, you must know yourself”. It’s supposed to highlight the importance of introspection and empathy with your enemy, asking yourself what would you do in their position, but the mistake sounds cooler and allows us to project.

On Saturday the 24th of July, while I was visiting my family for the first time in ten months (thanks Covid), a group of equally bothersome people were “protesting” in Dublin. The Anti-Everythings, because at this point it’s difficult to understand what they’re not against. They’re anti-mask, anti-lockdown, anti-covid. Many will swear they’re not this or that, yet it’s hard to take those claims seriously when “this” and “that” show up to the same protests and claim the protest is for them.

Someone shared a quote from the protest by one of the speakers.

It’s quite clear to everybody here that Covid has been used to introduce global totalitarian tyranny.

Now, being a little silly billy that I am, I shared the quote and simply added;

It must be nice living like this; like the world is a big movie and we all get to be the hero.

I stand by this. I really believe people who believe in conspiracy theories think they’re in movies in real life; movies full of bad guys, a world full of disposable extras, and they get to save everything and not be helpless people with no control.

Now, apparently that warranted the following response (I apologise in advance for this level of rambling).

Well, that was fun, wasn’t it? No? Well how about we make it fun. As bitcoin bro Sunny Tzucy once totally said “To defeat your enemy, you must know your enemy”.

Let’s analysis the wonderful world of a conspiracy theory mindset and learn how to make the perfect conspiracy theory rant!

First, refute the claim and say your claim is true. Accuse your opponent of refusing to see the truth. Next, declare everything next as facts. As an opening, it’s not bad; disagree, accuse your opponent of being untrustworthy, and then declare yourself trustworthy. It’s simple yet effective.

Avoid being specific. What legislation? Who cares! When was this passed? Nope, we don’t do that here. But always insist it’s super serious by linking it to something big like democracy or legality.

Remember; everything is part of the conspiracy unless it can’t be fit in. Businesses going under or gaining; must be the conspiracy and not the ups and downs of economic inactivity. Pharma companies contracted to make vaccines, santizers, medical resources, and normal drugs; must be an evil plot and not, you know, a phrama company in the middle of a global pandemic.

Interesting how Ireland’s biggest domestic sector, agriculture, wasn’t mentioned. Can’t link sheep to Covid? Remember, link what you can and don’t overstretch just to be consistent. Consistency is for people who care.

Alarmist statements are fantastic! People respond to anger. Strangely, the “big tech” companies we complain about, yet still use, seem to know this too. But I’m sure that’s nothing to worry about.

Anyway, Alarmism. Always talk about things being taken away, set a scene, and make one. Talk about abstract values (freedoms, rights); they’re likely to be valued by others, even passively, but are also difficult to pin down.

Ah, the old trusty Slippery Slope and Fortune Telling. To really drive home threats you need to put them in the future and to make them as scary (and again, as abstract) as possible. This not only buys you time, but also allows you in the meantime to conflate any unrelated news tidbit to your overarching prediction. Being asked to take a vaccine today leads to Homosexual Jewish Antifa Nazis in five years.

Children should be used like weapons. Always use a child to make yourself feel good. There’s never been one incident of an adult using a child in a negative and harmful way. Anyone who even tries to continue the discussion without overreacting about children should be accused of (at best) being heartless and uncaring.

[For the record, I never said anything about Bill Gates. But while we’re on the matter, fuck Bill Gates].

Sticking with children and using them as a weapon, pedophillia is a great way to discredit someone. Always play Five Degrees of Separation in any argument, no matter what. Vaccines. Vaccines are funded. Funded by Bill Gates. Bill Gates had money. You know who else had money. Epstein.

Ergo; Vaccines are filled with tiny pedophiles!

You know what is extremely convincing and endearing? Condescension.

[Yes, I’m aware of the irony.]

Assume everything about the other person; their intelligence, their motives, and their life. You must act off this and place yourself above them, otherwise how else will they know your correct? Explain your point calmly, with sources, and check with them to ensure they understand? This is the internet, not a place for discussion!


The last and most important key to any successful conspiracy theory rant, the Adrenochrome, if you will, is simple…


A rant is like jazz; off the cuff and real. A conspiracy rant, on the other hand, is like what people who hate jazz think jazz sounds like; rambling, nonsensical, and with funny looking people thinking its good.

Look back over the original rant. Makes no sense, right?

EXACTLY! If you can’t follow it, you can’t disprove.

Let’s summarise each paragraph of it.

  • Discredit.
  • Government is fascist.
  • Think of the economy!
  • Big Pharma Conspiracy.
  • Attempt at facts.
  • Science fiction about DNA alteration.
  • Science fiction 2: Science fictions.
  • Think of the children!
  • Wuhan Lab Conspiracy.
  • Deep state Conspiracy.
  • Blame deplatforming.
  • Alternative medicines.
  • Maximise concern about deaths.
  • Pizzagate Conspiracy.
  • Minimise concern about deaths.
  • Leave me alone.

In case you forgot, I made a so-so comment about the mindset of anti-vax people, and I got this long spiel. And that’s the whole point. The trick is to be as long as possible and to overload people so they don’t know what to approach first. Do I go after the psuedo-science, the accusation I like Bill Gates (which I’m still offended about), the conspiracy theories, or what?

But the real cherry on top, the thing I must admit that really makes a conspiracy theory rant a piece of art is the conflict.

Reread it and you’ll realise it jumps between points and contradicts itself in many places;

Governments are bad, except for these governments. Drugs are bad, except these drugs. Deaths should be ignored, except these deaths. Facts should be ignored, except these facts. You’re wrong if you believe in these things, while I’m right for believing in these things.

The point isn’t just to confuse us. It’s also to recruit us.

As I’ve said at the beginning, while people are turning up to the anti-mask/vax/lockdown/life protests don’t necessarily all believe in the same thing, the point is that they still show up.

For some showing up it’s about vaccine reluctance, or it’s concern over government control, or it’s concern about privacy, or it’s about fairy tales that involve blood libel. You know, the usual. But it doesn’t matter. The people who profit from these protests, the John Waters’, the Gemma O’Dohertys, the Dolores Cahills, the Ben Gilroys don’t need you to agree with everything they talk about, they just need you to agree enough to show up, and to stand with people you’d otherwise never stand beside.

That’s the secret source to a good conspiracy theory rant; throw out everything, and you’re bound to catch someone’s attention.

As you can see, it certainly got mine, but at least I’m lucky enough to see through it. Sadly, we can’t say the same for many these days.



Writer. Opinions are my own.

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