The Christmas Party
“Good evening, I’m Muire Geoghan for RTÉ’s general election results special coverage, and we can confirm at the current count the next government will most likely be formed by the recently created Christmas Party, led by… Santa Claus. Mr. Claus’s birth name was originally David Quigley, but we will be referring to him by his legal name. I apologise for the confusion this may cause, a sentiment shared by our political correspondent, Brian O’Rourke. Brian, for everyone watching at home, can you please explain what just happened?”
“Muire, in twenty years of covering political upheavals, scandals, resignations, and coalitions, I have never seen anything like this. Ironically, going by the overwhelming support for the Christmas Party in this election, our viewers know more than I do, but for context the Christmas Party formed a little less than two years ago, fittingly in December, as a largely single-issue party, namely… and this is according to their own literature… to declare every day as Christmas Day and treat it as such. What exactly that entails isn’t entirely clear, but party members, who refer to themselves as ‘elves’, say it’ll include permanently closing all banks, businesses, and schools, implementing mandatory gift-giving, and restructuring RTÉ to only play ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’, the ‘Harry Potter’ films, and the ‘Father Ted Christmas Special’ on loop. Critics, myself included, would have relegated them as a protest vote, something akin to Lord Buckethead or the Monster Raving Loony Party in the United Kingdom, something of a satirical stunt.”
“But now they are going to form the next government?”
“… It would appear so. Not a single seat so far has been called for any other party, which is beyond unprecedented. Now, there is still a lot at play here. There will be appeals made by incumbent TDs, and recounts are expected. As you can imagine, we are in uncharted waters here, Muire. But from what we are hearing from both polling stations yesterday and from counting halls today, this was the highest turn-out of any election at, reportedly, ninety-nine percent, with counts from Sligo-Leitrim, Cork South-West, Louth, and Dublin Mid-West, not only showing the Christmas Party crossing quotas by large margins, in excess of tens of thousands, but across the country, if reports are to be believed, not a single member of the more established parties, Fine Gael, Fianna Fáil, Sinn Fein, Labour, the Greens, and independents, received a preference vote that would have counted towards a seat. This is an implosion for mainstream politics.”
“And that would be because the Christmas Party ran as many candidates as they could?”
“Yes. Even for the more established parties, contesting all constituencies is unusual, let alone running more than two candidates on a ballot. Why would they risk splitting the vote, is how they would see it. Yet here we are, currently at seventy-four seats for the Christmas Party, who ran a staggering two-hundred and forty-eight candidates, with as many as sixteen candidates running in Galway East. This is truly-”
“I’m sorry, Brian, but we’re going to have to stop you there, and I’m going to have to correct you. It is now… seventy-five seats! That is coming in as Meath East has finished their count. We now go over live to our correspondent Abeni Bello from the count. Abeni, what can you tell us?”
“Muire, I hope you can hear me, because, as you can see, the atmosphere here is a mixture of confusion, dismay, and jubilation. This is unlike anything the political landscape has seen in decades. The defeated Fianna Fáil TDs here, as well as other candidates, were earlier escorted out by gardaí due to anti-social behaviour in response to a third seat being awarded to another Christmas Party member, one… my apologies for the pause… one… Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. And yes, in case you’re wondering, his surname is legally ‘The Red-Nosed Reindeer’. It is believed his birth name was Peter Dunne, but, as with other party members, legally changing your name seems to be a prerequisite for joining. To respond to this latest, unprecedented win, we’re joined now by the Christmas Party’s vice-president and likely our next Tánaiste, Mrs. Claus. Once again, yes, that is her legal name… Mrs. Claus, congratulations on winning the first seat earlier. Many will wonder how a party, some would say demeaning the integrity of democracy, could resonate so well with so many, despite campaigning on a single issue.”
“Thank you, deary.”
“… That wasn’t a compliment.”
“Oh, pardon me, petal. I’m still rather new to all this.”
“Yes, that’s another sticking point for many. None of your members have any experience in organisation, management, economics, public affairs, nor any transferrable skills, let alone politics. What does a Christmas Party government even look like?”
“Well, sweety, we believe in the magic and wonder of Christmas, and all it has to offer.”
“…”
“…”
“… And?”
“And, my dear?”
“What has that got to do with anything? What are your policies?”
“We want it to be Christmas every day.”
“No, I meant… okay, what are your policies on, housing, for example? The rental market has all but segregated minimum wage workers, and the average take-home pay is halved by monthly rents, yet social housing is at a standstill. Entire estates are bought up solely to be rented out by large firms that monopolise local options. How do you plan to tackle this?”
“Oh, that’s a very good question! Well, since it would be Christmas every day, in the spirit of the holiday everyone will be nice and kind and no one would be looking for money or evicting anyone. And for those who are homeless, well, they can just knock on someone’s door and join them for a deliciously cooked Christmas dinner, in the spirit of the holidays, and the holiends as well. Oh, ho! That’s just a little joke I enjoy telling.”
“… You… you can’t be serious.”
“Oh, but we are serious. Christmas is no laughing matter. In fact, everyone will be giving their landlords presents and likewise for their tenants.”
“… How would that even work? How would any landlord pay off their own mortgages?”
“They wouldn’t have to because the banks would be closed on Christmas. No one worries on Christmas.”
“How would… what… okay, how would that work though? Are you talking about nationalising banks? Would you expect every business to just close forever? Are you going to create a new social welfare scheme for those workers displaced? This all sounds like economic suicide.”
“That’s not a nice thing to say. You should be careful or my husband will put you on the naughty list. And of course there will still be some places still open. Hospitals, airports; you know, the usual ones. We’d need people growing the food, butchers for turkeys and ham, bin men for the rubbish from wrapping presents every day. But aside from the Christmas essentials, why should we worry? It’ll be Christmas after all.”
“Why do you think people have voted for the Christmas Party en masse, when you offer no constructive plan to govern, let alone tackle growing threats like climate change, xenophobia, and wealth disparity? Would you not say all of this is just magical thinking?”
“Everyone loves Christmas, so why wouldn’t they want it to be Christmas every day?”
“Because it makes no sense! Being in government doesn’t mean you can just do anything. You can’t make it Christmas!”
“Yes we can.”
“No, you can’t!”
“Yes, we can. Governments make things all the time. They make decisions, they make laws, they make bills, they make referendums, they make mistakes. We can make it Christmas.”
“… Eh, thank you, Mrs. Claus… Well Muire, I am… at a loss… back to you in the studio.”
“Abeni Bello, thank you, and the feeling is mutual. And we can confirm another seat in Dublin Rathdown has gone to Dasher The Reindeer, who joins Comet and Prancer from earlier this afternoon. The total now stands at seventy-six. Just five seats are needed for a majority, but we are likely going to see an overwhelming majority government held entirely by the Christmas Party, analysts are declaring. This would be a first in not just Ireland but most of the democratic world, as no one party has ever held all available seats in any parliamentary styled government. Joining us in the studio now is Dr. Kim Ngyen, sociologist and lecturer at DCU, specialising in political history and civil movements. Thank you, Dr. Ngyen. For obvious reasons, I can’t swear before the watershed and because it’s unprofessional, but what in the name of a certain word is going on?”
“Essentially, what has always happened. Complacency breeds contempt. The history of Ireland has been one dominated by tribalism. Some of our first laws and alliances were defined by local spats and invading forces. The political landscape has never been defined by systems of ideologies, nor modes of governance. Very few voters waver, especially with older generations, from familiar or local alliances. It’s only in the last twenty to thirty years, with a growing educated population and the rise of the Internet, that voters are willing to cast their ballot for candidates based on beliefs. It’s important to remember that as an island we are older than the pyramids, but as a state we are younger than Mickey Mouse. And let’s be honest, for most of that time, our politics were focused on the civil war, independence, and sectarianism. Our politics has always been aimed at an external force. We don’t have experience with ideology. We don’t believe in anything. So when you have parties who cling to history and the past, you have politicians who can’t plan for the future nor be in the present.”
“But why the Christmas Party? If people want policies or beliefs, surely they wouldn’t want a one note party.”
“People aren’t stupid. They-”
“HA! Have you seen the news today!”
“…”
“… I apologise. That was very unprofessional. I’m sorry. Please, continue Doctor.”
“Let me put it another way. Imagine we’re playing a game. We all agree to play by the same rules, even if we’re losing. Now, let’s say someone breaks the rules, repeatedly, and they’re getting ahead of us. That’s not fair, but we can’t stop the game. You’re left with only one option; cheat as well. Government is a game; you have to play fair. Donald Trump was voted in by Americans who felt unheard by mainstream politicians. Brexit was voted for by Britons who felt left behind in globalisation. Conspiracy theories come from those talked down to and belittled by experts. And now, in the face of inflation, recession, unemployment, and homelessness, adults have reverted to nostalgia as a coping mechanism. Why would anyone want to participate in a system that hurts them? Why would they defend it? Why should they? All of this sends a very strong message; if you’re not going to play fair, neither are we.”
“… But bloody Father Christmas as Taoiseach?”
“But bloody Father Christmas as Taoiseach, yes. You can ask the same about all the examples I gave, that doesn’t change the fact they wouldn’t have come about if people had real choices. Complacency breeds contempt.”
“It sounds as if you’re suggesting this is to be expected, which a lot of people would find absurd.”
“And a lot of people have always said that. The Keizer said that about the National Socialists. The Tsar said that about the Bolsheviks. The Church said that about Lutherans. Every one fell because they failed to uphold the social contract.”
“But will people accept a government of such unorthodoxy? This will result in market decline as investors pull out. We’ll be an international embarrassment. We’ll be in freefall.”
“I can not speak on the economics, but it is not the fault of bad actors nor social media. People acted, regardless of how well they were or weren’t informed, in what they thought was for the best. When everything is wrong, anything can appear right.”
“Dr. Kim Ngyen of DCU, thank you… The latest counts, coming in from Laois-Offaly and Roscommon-Galway, have the Christmas Party leaping ahead to seventy-nine seats, with just two seats needed for a majority. Again, not a single seat has been awarded to any other party nor independent candidate. While the markets are closed until Monday, economists and analysts are predicting catastrophic plunges for Irish IPOs, with the Euro’s valuation to suffer as well. Here to speak to us via video is former Taosieach Eddie Kelly of Fine Gael, who was canvassing for his party’s candidates in the lead up to this election. Thank you for joining us, Mr. Kelly. Let me start by asking, as Dr. Ngyen has suggested, do you think you and your colleagues, both former and current, are to blame for such shocking results?”
“Thank you for having me, Muire, but I’d like to push back against those remarks. I have been in contact with the incumbent Taoiseach, as well as other party leaders, and the consensus is that they will all contest the results. We cannot rule out the possibility that some form of fraud did occur, nor that spoiled ballots were counted. And-”
“I’m sor- I’m sorry to cut across you, Mr. Kelly, but I’m going to have to stop you there. There has been no evidence of fraud, and counting halls are reporting the lowest number of spoiled votes in recorded election history, so I’m sorry, but I must correct you there. My question was, do you believe that the political establishment has failed the public so badly that they’d rather have Santa Claus become our next Taoiseach?”
“Now hold on a minute! The answer to that is unequivocally no, and, what’s more, the count in Dublin Bay South is still going on, so he hasn’t won the seat yet.”
“Yet?”
“You know what I mean! This is a national scandal and can not be allowed to be carried out. Candidates have every right to call for recounts and appeal for investigations.”
“But wouldn’t that undermine the integrity of electoral democracy in Ireland? It is bizarre, to say the least, but it is still the results we’ve, apparently, given. Are you calling for a state of emergency to be declared, or for the incumbent government to resume control in the meantime?”
“No, but-”
“Are you accusing the Christmas Party of fraud or election interference?”
“Well, no, I meant-”
“Then how can you justify a subversion of democracy when it’s clear, as much as it pains everyone, that the Christmas Party have been elected fairly?”
“Do you hear yourself, Muire! Do you not see how crazy all of this is! How can anyone say this is our fault! We are elected to govern to the best of our ability. We are not superheros. We can’t do everything. It is not our fault that the population of Ireland has such little literacy in the dealings of its own parliament that recognise when they are cutting off their own nose.”
“… I’ll rephrase the question. How can you be so quick to jump to accusations of fraud without evidence yet be in denial that voters felt so disheartened that they would knowingly hobble the country? How can things go so wrong unless they were allowed to under your watch?”
“…”
“Mr. Kelly?”
“…”
“… I apologise; we seem to have lost connection with Mr. Kelly. We’ll try to get him back as soon as possible. The latest counts we’re getting shows… Jesus! Is that right? … Excuse me. The latest counts are showing five seats have been claimed for the Christmas Party, including Dublin Bay South for Santa Claus, formerly Mr. David Quigley. The Christmas Party, now at eighty-four seats, has enough elected members to form a majority government and Mr. Santa Claus is now our new Taoiseach… And our producers have just told me that we have Santa Claus joining us via video. If we can just get him up, please… thank you. Hello, Mr. Claus. Congratulations are in order, both for you and your party. I’m sure you can appreciate that many around the country and certainly the world are very confused about what this means. We were speaking to your party vice-president and wife, Mrs. Claus, earlier in the programme, but we think some key information was lost in the excitement. We were hoping you could clarify for us what exactly a Christmas Party government may look like.”
“Ho, Ho, Ho! Merry Christmas! And yes, I can most certainly, little girl.”
“… Sorry?”
“Ho, Ho, Ho! We of the Christmas Party believe it’s time for a new vision for Ireland, one built upon the spirit of Christmas; giving, community, comfort, and merriment. As your next Taioseach, I will strive to fill every home with good cheer, good will, and good food.”
“But how are you going to do that? Raise taxes? Increase spending? Nationalise Smyth’s toy shop? Can you empathise with people who feel as though their lives are now in the hands of people with no experience, no realistic plans, and no understanding as to why people might be uncomfortable having ministers named after the reindeer?”
“Ho, Ho, Ho! My, my! Of course I can. Perhaps that’s why we’ve done so well; we appeal to all the good boys and girls out there who feel they’ve been put on the naughty list for far too long. Let me ask you a question, Miss Geoghan. Where was all this worry before? Why was homelessness and austerity not declared a national disgrace? Why was raising rents, house prices, and tuition fees not worrying? Why are there people on the naughty list just allowed to go free with tens of previous convictions? It seems to me the issue here isn’t our policies, but rather that people can’t ignore us, or pretend we don’t exist, like all of their other problems. Does that seem right to you?”
“… I see… eh, well, we also had former-”
“Ho, Ho, Ho! I’m sorry, but one of my elves is pulling me away. I’m very busy today, as you can imagine. Lots to do.”
“Yes. Thank you for your time… em, Taoiseach.”
“Ho, Ho, Ho! You’re welcome! Merry Christmas!”
“… Wow… Okay… You’re watching RTÉ’s special election results coverage. We’ll have more for your after the break.”
#HI
